Little miss style comes with me everywhere

I think I really want this… badly. Can I do it? Thank gosh for my killer legs! I’d be nowhere without them. The new-er girl isn’t even up to my calibre, lol. And I was scared for… no reason? bahaha damn, I want it so badly but there’s just not enough time. I DESERVE THIS!!! Can’t I mother fucking have it, for once in my life?!

It’s always the quiet ones… dotdotdot BleH. I need an escape- getting so gassed at work, it’s not even funny. Today I just came in- all black lawyer-wannabe outfit and I was all like ‘Good morning!’ *smilegiggles* then he smiled too and we were just talking for the longest time and I even gave him a hugandshake. Hmmmmm… what the eff is wrong with me? I know this isn’t want I want- I’m just bored, I guess. I got a date! On Friday! But the deeetz are still iffy. WTFWTF is wrong with me… I’m going from like– family man to party boy with a horny ex. GaH. Maybe our other co-worker is right… maybe I do deserve better. But why do I still feel so… drawn to him? why-oh-why. I’m hoping it’s just a phase only time will tell…

but yeah. it was insane in the membrane. we just kept on staring at each other from across the store. sometimes i’d just laugh/smile but yeah, it was crazy teeengs. got two hugs yayy. smoke smells good. it was so awk. my manager’s nieces came by and they were just like complimenting me and such same with one of our co-workers. anyway, i’ll blab on more if we end up going on our date! other than that, I have work errryday. imma workaholic machine thang, luvaaah =)

my paycheque… basically, AMAZING 400 bucks? hellzyea! and it wasn’t even thaaat painful <3 I’m hoping to reach around $5000 in savings by the end of this summer. I should STOP buying fucking fooooood. it’s killing my budget! looking forward to shoppiiinggg for some hot outfits so i can magnetize loadsa dudes in university. LOL kiddddiing.

24 minutes too late

Hmm… I wonder! Okay so there’s this new guy that I met. Well– actually, he’s my colleague. I’ve only worked with him about…four times in the past three weeks and hm! So here’s the deal: On our very first day, we got introduced to each other and I shaked his hand. It was a bit weird because it’s my first day and all- nothing really happened but I thought he was cute and had a nice smile. The next time we worked together, he left earlier than me and the only thing we said to each other was ‘Hey- you leaving now?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘Well, have a good night!’ ‘You too’. And then it all started on the third day (third time’s the charm?). We were talking a lot more than usual about school and what we wanted to do in life and he’d come near me a lot. Also, when I put away clothes (we work retail :P) he’d always offer to help, ask me if I’m hungry and whether or not I want to go on my break, when im picking up tags on the floor he’d take them for me, he’d always-always make sure I wasn’t working too hard- like if I’m folding clothes like crazy he’d be like ‘don’t worry about it. we’ll clean up later’, or when he was counting the till he’d be like ‘you can go if you want’ and when I said ‘no it’s ok’ he still tried to get me away- like he’s scared I’m staring at him too hard or something, he even asked how I get home in the night, and every time he talks to me he smiles or smirks- I don’t know. He just never has a neutral facial expression. Then at the very end of the night when all the lights were closed, he stared at me for the longest time and said ‘We did everything, right?’ and I just stared back and replied ‘I don’t know’ in a singing voice and he laughed.

The thing that really throws me off is that apparently, I give off an ‘undercover party girl’ vibe, plus I know he’s afraid to get too close to me because he’s scared to say my name wrong I can just tell. I’ve had this name for 17 years and I’m smart enough to know when people feel– insecure about their pronunciation. At this point, I don’t even bother correcting people unless they ask. I just let them call me what-ever.

So on the fourth day, I signed in and greeted him with ‘Bonjour-no’ just to be friendly. It was really quiet between us at first– like we were both thinking of things to say and talk about and he’d always try to make me jealous by talking and “laughing” with this transexual-looking woman who doesn’t even know how to speak English- so how can they possibly be having a meaningful conversation (Pfft- I’m such a bitch). So I decided to break the ice by saying the most obvious thing of all “Honestly, just kill me now” and he started laughing and coming close to me more often when we’re folding clothes and being more open for conversation. Then he’s like “You should smile more”– and he kept on bugging me about it for the entire day and we were mocking each other and giving playful cut-eyes to each other etcetc. And he just kept bothering me about my smile and stuff. At the end of the day, he was going home- I was going on break and we were walking the same way and I was just being playful, joking around- ‘Okay, buddy leeeet’s go!’ ‘Where do you want to go? Oh. Are you on your break?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘You know, you should really smile’ ‘Well- it never said I had to smile on the job description’ ‘Pfft- never said on the job description… *nervous laugh*’ then his friend comes running and I’m like ‘Alright, then- I’ll see you later!’ ‘See you later, buddy’ And I left.

Hmm… what shall I do then next time we meet- well firstly, I’m going to make sure he knows my mother effin’ NAME. That’s my goal- and maybe add him on somewhere MSN? Dress like a hoe and make him think I’m a hoe ‘coz he likes hoes MFFFT.

I turn to you…

Here’s my deb speech, guys =) I’m posting it on here for safekeeping.

Hello everyone, and good evening. Thank you for taking the time to share this milestone with me, it truly means a lot and I appreciate your presence here tonight. I am the first girl in my immediate family to be able to have a debut, and for that, I feel truly blessed. I’ve never really dreamed of having a traditional 18th birthday party because quite frankly, attention frightens me and I am mortified standing before all of you right now– not to mention I suck at public speaking.

But to me, this party celebrates more than just my date of birth. It is a testimony of all the good things God has done for me, for my friends, and for my family. I am proud to be a participant in this tradition because it has taught me to be thankful of the different roles people play in my life and how that serves as a continuous inspiration for me to become a better individual.

I would just like to take the time to thank my mom, Evangeline for making this all possible. She has not only been my mom these past 18 years - but also my chauffeur, my shopping companion, my bank, my caregiver, my doctor, my math tutor, my chef, but above all- she has been my friend and I really couldn’t ask for more.

Thank you also, of course to the leading men in my life: my dad for being so patient with all the preparations and for being the constant voice in my head motivating me to always seek for excellence; my brothers- Kuya for all your artistic inputs and Yem for listening to me… most of the time.

Also thanks to Tito- I mean Kuya Don and my very talented live band for sharing with all of us your beautiful talents. To Tita Tetet, thank you for livening up my dress being my personal Martha Stewart, Mama Ching for this amazing venue, Tita Cory and her hard-working team for catering and the decorations, Ate and Ate Lulu- thank you for the you-know-what winkwink; my friends from ND B- thank you so much for being here with me; my co-workers, The Region of Peel staff- umm… there’s a pot hole down Wilms Pkwy and Main? Ha-ha KIDDING- Thanks for being here. My church- DBD for all the spiritual guidance. To Tatay and Diko- I share this party with both of you!

These words are seriously not said as much as it should,
so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I hope you all enjoy yourselves, and God Bless!

I know sorries, just wouldn’t do it

So I think I’ve got a crush (krŭsh) - Informal - an intense but usually short-lived infatuation.
YES, it is on that co-worker of mine that I mentioned in my last post.
Why do I always do this to myself… aim for that one TYPE that I know I can’t bring home to my parents?
Does that mean I have a thing for “bad boys”? What the hell constitutes a ‘bad boy’ anyway?
Owning a motorcycle… smoking… saying bad words constantly… I don’t know.
But anyway, I don’t know what it is, but I just have the strong urge to do him.
Oh I know my feelings will be reciprocated if I just let it out– but should I? I don’t know.
I usually have the patience to wait the way the oldies do. But EH- I’m BORED and I want him. I want him now.
LOL I sound like a sex-crazy psychopath– but get your mouldy mind outta the gutter, brothah.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do… wish he’d say something about it.
He sure is a gentleman by his actions- always offering to help me out, guiding me through everything, getting clothes tags just so we could touch hands, making me feel as comfortable as possible, smiling, etc… etc… I could just tell. And by the way that him and our other male co-workers would talk about me (one of them blatantly admitted it). So just freakin’ SAY SOMETHING you fag. I’m not going to be working there for long. Thanks, bye meet you in the changerooms -wink- LOL JKS, guys. SHEEEESSSHHH.
Co-worker flings are hot.
Gonna go buy a pretty lil’ black dress to wear to work now- and some nice patent pumps
P.S. 1 month to go! Plenty of time.

You’re the voice I hear inside my head

So work has pretty much taken over my entire life. Well weekends, that is- and sometimes a few weekdays. When I am not working, I am busily preparing my room for evacuation. Exciting times ahead of me, and I’ve finally decided to let go.

So at work… there’s this person. It feels kind of weird between us because it seems as though he’s uncomfortable around me- which I don’t even understand why. I mean, we don’t know each other at all– so why is he so… distant?

In the light of the sun…

Things are going well with them– why do I feel this way? I’m not supposed to! I should stop.
FOCUS, FOCUS. You’ve got good great things ahead of you. Don’t be side-tracked by something that you will eventually get in time. Maybe you won’t get that particular one, but you’ll get something just as great =) … if not better. It’ll be fine. All fine. It’s going to be all fine in the end– and if it’s not fine, then it’s not the end.

Double meaning: It’s called saying you have to go…

___________________

I thought that if you want something, the entire universe conspires to help you achieve it
That’s a lie …just saying.
Sorry to burst your bubble but, Mr. Coelho is a LIAR
Don’t be so arrogant to think that you should get everything you want
because you can’t…
There are some things that just aren’t for you.
Gamblers lose money making bets because the money and them aren’t meant to be.
I’m afraid that that’s just the way it is. Not everything is destined for YOUR pleasure and YOUR happiness.
Rain may be falling on your windowpane and you may hate it.
Rain, right? Dark, gloomy, sad, disgusting- words usually associated with this weather.
But think about the grass… the flowers… to them, rain is life.
So to even THINK or BELIEVE that in the end, things will be just the way you want it to be-
honey, you’d just be disappointing yourself.
Thus, we might as well get it out here– in the open, when the time is right.
Don’t be afraid that things will go WRONG.
It doesn’t necessarily mean your life is awful or you should be a pessimistic hag.
No, no, no.
It simply means that you’re being taught a lesson.
To change, to move on, to pursue new things- to be BETTER.
And that is something you should be happy to take
because one day, when you have become that ‘better’ person that life wants you to be,
you’ll go back and think “Hey- that thing that I wanted… I’m better than that now. I can pursue that if I wanted and I’ll have the assurance to know that it’ll want me too.”

Don’t need the light on– I can find my way

It’s building up… I can feel it. Falling apart, barely breathing– but I know I don’t have time for this. Not now, anyway. I have EXAMS to do. I can cry my eyes out later… if I even remember.

MORE THINGS TO DO
FawgCreek Sware
Google
APPLY APPLY. NOW.

PURE SLACKAGE FUN =) (def not doing this in university… I think!)

The Pope has it but he does not use it.
Your father has it but your mother uses it.
Nuns do not need it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox’s is quite small.
What is it?

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it,
The rich need it, And if you eat it, you’ll die?

ANSWERS: surname, nothing.

___________________________

RANT: I suck at driving! “Highway to heaven” and “licensed to kill” are my nicknames. I’ve had enough of sucking and I HATE it! Not to mention, I want to drive stick My friend is pissing me off with her materialistic views about life– about how her boyfriend and how she makes him buy her everything. Just because he can. The guy who liked me and who I liked A LOT got tired of waiting for me- and now is with another girl and I’m afraid I’m never going to get him back. Should I continue to maintain a friendship? Or ‘find myself’ first? Can’t decide… I think I’ll say HELLO one last time and then cut it off from there. I have one major essay, a culminating task, three exams (one super-significant) spanning for the next two weeks. PROM + GRAD to worry about (money), my summer job which isn’t even guaranteed yet. My list of things ‘to-do’ to do, and yeah- basically I feel so… AKJHNSBFKJHSFJKH!

Clubs I want to join in university!
Christian, Chess, Drama, Fashion, Music, Dance, Newspaper, Computer, CHEMISTRY!?!? FTW?, FSAT lol

MORE things to do!
Learn how to play Boston - Augustana intro and A Thousand Miles on the piano
and two guitar songs for the heck of it ! <3

Flip flops, half shirt, short shorts, mini skirt, walkin’ on the beach so pretty

School’s ALMOST out! And there’s so many things I want to do with my life before I turn eighteen and I become a full-fledged NERD who always speaks in formal diction… even on MSN. Oh wait! I already am one of those. DANG! Too late.

No, but seriously. So many things I want to try out/do/learn. So little time. So here goes!!

First and foremost, I should make some time for some SERIOUS, hard-core REFLECTION.
Sometimes I feel that I don’t represent myself in the way that Christians should and it really upsets me.
I’m going to be doing some MATH this summer. Some beaching =) rawr short shorts!
And summer clothes SHOPPING! Time to play off those colours Pretty exciting, I might add.
Also, I want to further pursue my PASSION- so I’m going to be doing some hard-core makeover for my blog. It’ll be good Gonna pick up loads of books on computers soft/hard-ware so I can be WISE with my laptop decision in university (To MacBook Pro or not to MacBook Pro. THAT is the question). The last thing I would want to be is that dumbass who gets tricked into paying $1000 more than she’s supposed to by that sketchy looking dude with chest hair at Best Buy! Needless to mention, I’m enrolled in a technical field so there isn’t even an excuse for it.

Going to download a TON of music!! (Exciting :)) Just sit on my computer one day, all day and downloaddownlodaownload like crazy off of iTunes. Gotta fill my vintage iPod MINI! <3 love.
Hm, what else– CATCH UP ON A BUNCH OF reading. None of this garbage, nonsensical crap nor the would-be inspirational junk. I want to read some CLASSICS! Maybe even sketch up ideas for my future book. OMG *literary orgasm*

Meet up with old pals and make some new ones, too.
Oh and I’ve decided. I won’t shut down anyone from my life.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY’VE DISAPPOINTED ME.
Pina-asa pa kasi nya ko, eh! HMMP. But that’s okay Forgive & forget. Makes the world go ’round.
MANTRA: Do not think ill thoughts, Do not think ill thoughts, Do not think ill thoughts.

New hobbies and goals!!
-Solve a Rubik’s cube <3
-PAINT MURAL (OMG *artistic orgasm*)
-Write poems and get it published/out there!
-Write moreee poems/short stories/whatever
-Take up a SPORT! hm… which one, which one?
-Stay healthy
-Learn to cook/ bake more than you usually do
-Get driver’s license and inherit custy van

Busy, busy, busy. I AM BEYOND excited about this all.
Going to tell my mom about the mural idea TODAY! YESSIR.
Have a nice day, everyone!
& I wish you all a merry SUMMER.

Summer is like a blink of an eye. UGH!

I saw you with her dear, you tried to hide away

OH MY =) Pretty good day today! I don’t feel as drained, upset, and melancholy as I usually do.
It was half-day at school (maybe that’s why?)
Calculus wasn’t as bad as it usually is, and then CS & English went by like a breeze.

Hm, what else.
I thought him and I had a thing going on…
but then he goes off and gets himself a ‘girlfriend’ (?!?!)
and it’s like, a MAJOR SLAP IN THE FACE.
Was I too slow? Didn’t pick up on the signs quick enough?
Well what was I to do! I really like him too… but it’s just– I don’t quite know
how to express or what to do with the emotions I was feeling.
I’ve never been ‘more-than-friends’ with ANYBODY
So I told myself ‘Ok. Just go with the flow– see how it turns out,
if he likes you- he’ll WAIT’
But CLEARLY he cannot wait and here I am– GOT SLAPPED.

MEH.
I’ll live
Part of life, right?
Rejecting and getting rejected– what goes around comes around.
He’ll come back to me one day… under the sun.

Anyway,
rode with my friend on his motorcycle today! Most exhilarating feeling EVER. Totally made me un-pissed off. And then chatted a bit with my friends on MSN which ALSO cheered me up about the ditch-situation.
In my mind, I still can’t believe that I got dumped by someone who’s not even my boyfriend!

I LOVE ME.
<3 FIRST STEP!

_________________________________

Hm. So I guess the battle is over? And, as predicted, I lost a terrible defeat due to hesitation.
But you know, what- it’s totally fine. I did not waste a tear on it and it was a pretty good fight.
I got something out of it too. My MEASURING STICK! And this new WILL…. DESIRE… NECESSITY
to be something more/better/different than what I am!
I LOVE IT!
It’s so uplifting and… WOW =) SIMPLY AMAZING REALIZATION. I’m so thankful to have learned this lesson.
The lesson that good intentions aren’t always rewarded right away- but they will be in TIME.

I’ve got my gogogogogogogogogogo gadget flow!

EVER WANTED SOMETHING SO BAD BUT SOME UGLYASS, FAT, ORANGE-SPRAY TANNING, DRAG QUEEN MAKE-UPED BITCH IS STANDING IN YOUR WAY!? LIKE FUCK!!!!11 What did I do to deserve this… wrong timing? wrong place? I’m getting HURT soooo badly, it’s insane. I had two hours of sleep yesterday because of this. Competition is high– it’s almost TANGIBLE in the air. Too bad I’ve always been weak when it comes to these things because I give leeway and I’m too nice to fight bitches over things- regardless of how much I deserve it! I’m losing it, my goshhh…

Is someone looking out for me?! because I need you now more than ever! I need strength… LORD help me. I want this. I want this so bad– and I’ve been wanting it for so long… I KNOW your answer for me is ‘WAIT’ give me patience to wait!! PLEASE. I cry myself to sleep, I think about this instead of derivatives, it’s seriously taking over my life! This competition… these thoughts… they need to GO. But how? How can I rid of something that is essential– something that I’ve only HEARD of or SEEN but never EXPERIENCED. Something that I WANT– NEED– DESERVE! I don’t know how else to fix this but to run away to my little corner and avoidavoidavoid. Avoid this darkness looming over me… be ALONE. Forever & ever Amen.

YOU BREAK IT, YOU BUY IT, BITCH!!!!
I have NO RIGHT to act this way/ to be this way but I am!!!! I can’t help it.
So much for composure…………………………………………………….

Okay so I just looked at competition once again— and hehe HELL NO if she thinks I’m going to let it go that easily, she’s MISTAKEN. YUP =) ohhhh at least I know how to keep my cool, y0. I don’t go crazy like some schoolgirl. She’s older than me yet she acts like a FAG. HMP! Here’s the thing: if it should come to a brawl, I’ll be more than willing to give t a good fight. But if he’s DEFINITE, DECIDED, UNDOUBTEDLY hers, then I’ll let it go. If tehre’s even a HINT of hesitation, I’ll play ALL MY CARDS. Every single one. And when I try hard, trust me– I TRY HARD. Fight till the end, fight till death, can you handle this, bitch? WATCH OUT, HOMIE! Don’t get too comfortable or giddy

It’s possible to do it now, eh? To go without even a word… Hm. That kind of hurts. Just a tad. But I’ll get over it– I guess. One day, but not today It’ll be a big fat REGRET opting for the Mexican rather than this Eurasian. It WILL BE, I swear that. NO ONE. NO ONE can bring what I have, chiquito and THAT is reason enough in itself. THAT is pure CLASS. Thank you very much & good night. AUGUST RUSH! I PROMISE YOU!!!