`Cause if you’re not really here, then stars don’t even matter

Things are even worse than I thought they were. I don’t think I’m going to last much longer unless some major changes happen. He knows he’s in a bad situation right now and instead of seeking help or trying to better himself, he doesn’t take the initiative to do so- which is slightly a turn-off. The smoking thing really worries me… same with the constant need to be out late at night… I don’t mind the weed smoking as much. There are things about him I know I can NEVER change and it worries me- especially when I think of the future with him and I. For example, the way he handles problems in his life or his emotions in general. He’s a really nice guy and when things go wrong, he engages in self-destructive behaviour. I sometimes wish he could just be mad like regular people… yelling, silent treatment, the like. Instead, he keeps it to himself which is slightly bothersome. 

 

I’m really confused and don’t know if I’m in this relationship for the right reasons. Right from the get-go, I’ve had this feeling and even though I should’ve taken it as a red flag (red for disaster) I just ignored myself and kept on pursuing. And look at me now… one month and counting and I already feel myself getting attached to this hoodlum. I can’t believe myself. Why do I always choose wrong… wrong course… wrong school… wrong boyfriend… WRONG. 

 

I constantly ask myself… why are you still in this? Why aren’t you making a run for it? He has no brains, no money, no security, no self-esteem, he’s extremely materialistic and at times, self-destructive. But also… I’ve never had anybody love me the way that he does. I have a scratch on my arm, he’d break whatever gave me the scratch. Someone wrongs me, he’d punch the living crap out of them. I need attention, he gives it to me. He’s always there no matter what. I can see that he’s physically attracted to me but there’s something else that stems from within. It’s more than just that because he handles me even at my worst of times. 

She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before; nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe

I got all soft with him today… he sent me a cute text message and called me once but after I sent him texts, he didn’t reply. I know, it’s childish. I should stop feeling this way- but I just miss him… that’s all. I called him around midnight or so and we talked. It turns out he was downtown with his best friend and they went to see a soccer game. To his knowledge, I was downtown as well and I was kind of thrown off that he didn’t call to meet up and what-not. But whatever, that’s understandable. Finally, he revealed to me that he had a talk with his parents and that they want him to move out. Well, it was his dad mainly- not so much his mom. He told him that they can no longer continue supporting him with his education and that he must go live on his own soon. I asked him if they will still help with his court situation and he said “I think so… hopefully”. Which does not sound very convincing. I feel so bad… he’s in such a bad situation right now. He only has 12k in loans which isn’t really good considering he has to pay it back off and it’s not “FREE MONEY” like what I’m getting from my parents. It’s times like these that I really feel so thankful to have my parents helping me out. Even though they limit my freedom … a lot- at least I don’t worry about bills or anything, really. 

My boyfriend is at a really bad situation right now and as much as I want to leave, I can’t get myself to do it. He needs me now more than ever and I want to be there for him… he told me when we first began dating that no one else can make him happy the way that I do. When he’s with me, his troubles just go away. I feel the sense of responsibility to be there for him; especially now. I’m scared. I’m scared I am falling in love with him because on paper, he is wrong. All wrong. Sort of like my Calculus exam. Somebody help me.

Because I never wanna kiss you again, never wanna walk through the park holding your hand

As my boyfriend and I go through problems, I like him more and more. The more we get pulled apart, the more I get attracted to him- it’s weird. Despite of everything… his court issues, his sickness and addictions- I still want to be there for him and even though I find it really difficult, especially since he’s not your typical boyfriend. He doesn’t pay for our dates, nor does he pick me up for a ride in his car. But the way he talks to me… the way he cares for me and the way he looks at me makes up for it. I can tell he really likes me … a lot and even though I am not exactly up to his level of “like”, I know that it is possible to get there and nobody else has made me feel this way before. The need to actually stay through with something. I gave no effort for the past ‘dealings’ I have had with guys. I wait patiently for them to talk to me, I never took the initiative to see them, I wanted to do everything that would displease them. 

I don’t want to break up with him… but sometimes, I feel that it’s better if we do- even for just a while. There are things happening to us that are difficult for me to deal with and to him, it’s not. I hate how I’m always the one that has to make the effort to see him. He gives no regard for my curfew, for what my parents (will) think of him, for things I have to do/places I have to be without him, my financial situation. His mind-set is at times selfish and childish. He wants to be with me. And that’s it. It’s like  what you see in the movies… The Illusionist, The Notebook, etc. They want to be together; and in the movies, that was enough. But in real life, it’s not. Being together with a person you care for and want to be with is not enough.

I keep saying to myself over and over again that I chose wrong. I deserve so much better… but how can I leave the person I have committed myself to at a time when he needs me the most?

Wakin’ up next to a beautiful girl, step outside to say ‘Hello’ to my beautiful world

Alright, alright. So I used to be a really generous person- but now I’m kind of getting pissed off slightly. I feel as though I’m the one always making the effort to see him. I drive to his house, drive him wherever his heart desires, mission to him, pay for food. I know, I know. I sound really materialistic and I never used to be this way. Usually I’m GLAD to offer to pay. I know my boyfriend has a money situation going on- but is it really fair to make me pay all the time?
It all adds up and it’s not pretty AT ALL. Well… he DOES pay for my movie tickets all the time and one time when we weren’t dating yet, he paid for an entire night which costed a pretty penny for the both of us. I don’t know… perhaps I’m just being superficial. I’ve never really been like this. I don’t know…
Too much thinking, I say.
I admit, the reason why I’m beginning to think these things is because of my school fees and such. But when I think about it, I have it better than most people. In fact, I don’t even qualify for OSAP loans. Nevertheless, I still constantly feel as though I’m struggling to make ends meet all the freakin’ time.

Things I need want:
1. A 3-month lease housing for school ($800/monthly) = $3000
2. Tuition for a year = $7000
3. Digital camera = $400
4. School bag = n/a
5. Wallet = n/a
6. True Religion jeans = n/a
7. Sunglasses = n/a
8. The Time Traveler’s Wife, Love the One You’re With, The Alchemist (novels)

I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me

I went out with my boyfriend again today and got into major trouble with it (again). Basically, I filled up on gas, picked him up from work, then we went to his house (albeit, empty). He ate, I sat, then we went to his room and watched a movie about a nanny. It was sweet. We were just cuddling, making out on his bed- low-level shennanigans. I would say it was the best part of the night? Then we went out to eat and that’s when my father called. I was in trouble (surprise, surprise) for being out so late. Then I revealed to my boyfriend about how a) I’m leaving next weekend to go to New York and b) I’m confused about this entire court thing and introducing him to my parents.

I reallllllllllyyyy like him. I don’t know what to do. Should I keep on lying? Should I lay low for a while and then break the news later on (but before we go to Europe)… Oh, decisions, decisions.

I didn’t tell them I was with him. I said I was out with a friend (boy)- not HIM, then we were at the boy’s place and went out to Demetre’s afterwards. I also have proof (semi) of this. But anyway, the truth is that I’m embarrassed of my boyfriend. He’s not smart, he’s not rich, he’s got bad habits, he’s everything I shouldn’t be looking for in a guy- but there’s something about him that just makes me want to STAY. For once in my life, I want to STAY with someone and not ‘make a run for it’. He asked me in my car today if I was or have ever planned to make a run for it. Then made me PROMISE that I wouldn’t or that I would tell him beforehand. I like him, I like him a LOT but is it worth it? I’ve sacrificed plenty for him… and what has he done for me?

I want you so bad, can you feel it too? You know I’m so… I’m so in love with you

My boyfriend and I celebrated our first month anniversary today. We didn’t do anything big… we didn’t go out for dinner, he didn’t buy me flowers, I didn’t even get to cuddle with him today- which is fine. It’s just the way I have always pictured it would be: simple, no-strings-attached. He went to his second court date today with his parents and $5000/show lawyer. He texted me beforehand letting me know of his disposition and also to wish us a happy 1-month “love ya”. Afterwards, he called me and we talked about it for a bit. He tells me that I always seem to go quiet when he tells me about his court situation. I admitted to him that I think about it and analyze it in mind mind- I just don’t say anything. He might not be going to school next year after all- and I’m afraid for him. I’m afraid he’s going to turn into those college drop-outs that get so used to earning money and doing a nonsense job that they no longer wish to hit the books. That is not the type of guy I would want to date. But then again, I’ve never really followed the rules, now have I?

The more I think about it, the more I fear that I am falling in love with this douchebag. That I’ve gotten tricked and I somehow- albeit desperately need a reality check. What I thought would be a simple summer fling is evolving into something I cannot even comprehend and refuse to imagine. But anyway, he told me of the trouble that he has gotten himself into and I felt the usual feelings I feel towards him: pity, endearment, wonder. I wonder how such a seemingly nice young man with so much potential ahead of him could be capable of doing such a thing and thinking such thoughts.

Yesterday night is when I finally understood. He’s from a broken family- his dad drank a lot, was into bad habits. His mother was never home and his dad would lie to him and tell him she was at work. He spent a lot of time with his dad and he was the type that would always compliment him and boost his ego in every way he could. Meanwhile, his mother was seeing someone else (his would-be stepdad) who was educated and well-off. His dad told him one day that perhaps he should follow his mother and brother abroad for a better life and although my boyfriend did not want to, he went. I suppose that’s where it began… his mother formed a new family. She had kids with her new husband, and led a new life. Although she loved her first sons, she exerted her energy more towards her “newer” children. My boyfriend told me about how his parents would never drive him anywhere, never set a curfew for him, told him there was no room in the car for him to partake in any outings with them. Basically, he was excluded and didn’t really feel a sense of belonging. He didn’t get along too well with his stepdad either. They only spoke when there was something bad to be said.

Anyway, I finally understand now what my mother was trying to tell me about choosing a mate that does not come from a broken family. It really changes someone. This legal issue with my boyfriend is not going to fade away any time soon- so I really don’t know what to do. Should I break it off now and let go of him while it’s still early and I have not fallen in love with him yet? Should I stay with him albeit, keep my distance but remain a good friend for him to lean on through this ordeal? Yes, I have put myself in a very difficult situation indeed… just the way I like it.

I feel like I just seen the sun for the first time, you make my life bright `coz you shine

Today my boyfriend woke me up at 9:00AM like he said he would. Ok, I lie- he woke me up at 9:22AM- but he did so right after he got out from the subway to walk to his court date. I began getting ready and went to meet him at the station where I talked to my other best friend, Lawrence while waiting for him. Lawrence has problems with his relationship; it made me look at mine and realize how lucky I am to have such a nice guy who offers me all that he has, cares about me so much, and thinks so highly of me. I finally see my boyfriend walking towards me carrying a batch of papers folded in half (length-wise). As we went downtown, I skimmed through his court papers- reading the accusations of “negligence” in his part for drug trafficking causing death which happened about two years ago. I read it thoroughly because I wanted to be polite and didn’t really feel like reading. I stuffed it in my bag shortly after.

We get off at the stop- asked a convenience store man for directions and rode on a streetcar towards a stinky market. After getting lost in Chinatown for 5 good minutes, we finally find the place. It was definitely not as fun as we had thought. We only went into a few stores. One of which had a dog that scared my boyfriend away. We tried looking for a wallet for myself but found none. It was a chill, indie hangout with a plethora of tourists and weed smokers. It also reeked of poverty and produce. We finally begin walking away from the market and reaching our comfort zone: the AGO. We walk further down to Queen St. West and share a plate of banana crepes with strawberry ice cream. I notice that my boyfriend is slowly becoming more and more stingy. After eating, we go to the Scotiabank Theatre to see what movies are playing. None stroke our fancy- so we walked to the CN Tower. No, we did not go up- nor did I really want to. We just sat outside the cool breeze caressing our face on the bench and listened as a live band played ‘My Heart Will Go On’. It was a good sit.

Then we began heading towards the Harbourfront Centre and we walk by the water and watch tourists board cruise boats. We find yet another bench and cuddle there for a while- just talking and looking at our reflection plastered on the boat in front of us. Finally, we decide to begin walking again- now heading Northbound. We walk, talk, hold hands, joke around. I don’t remember what we even talked about- but time flew by and we ended up back to our comfort zone. We were then deciding whether to go eat McDonald’s or go to a different restaurant. We then ended up going to two restaurants before finally deciding on a quaint little Japanese joint. We ate, talked, fooled around- the waitress saw him caressing my leg and swiftly walked away.

We got out- and walked towards the AGO once again. When we got there, the line-up was huge so I told him I would withdraw money and buy him coffee and apple fritter- which I did and then I hand him a $10 for lunch which he accepted. I am truly such a fair girlfriend. We sit on a dirty bench which hobos probably sleep on to wait for the line-up to fade. He suggests that we go for beers later- which I reject. I do not want my boyfriend drowning himself in alcohol after his court hearing. We finally get into the museum. Highlights: my impeccable fake British accent, kissing in the elevator with a random lady in the front, watching puppet porn for a good few minutes, him wanting to go to the exhibit with mirrors so he can ‘check himself out’, going to the store/boutique after, arguing whether to go to the sculptures or the African section, sitting building nothing out of wood, drawing with a little blonde girl, sitting on a chair looking out into Toronto for some good quality time. We head on over to Yonge-Dundas and witness a weird man wearing only his underwear, riding a unicycle, juggling knives. As he was asking for money, we walk to the plaza directly in front. We sit and talk yet again passing time as I knew I needed to head home soon. A random man then offers us two tickets to a show playing that day, that hour, at the Canon Theatre.

We head to the theatre and as the man scans the tickets, it does not go through. I was afraid for a second that they were counterfeit or something of the sort- but they were not. We got in, I had a good 30-minute nap on my boyfriend’s shoulders. My best friend #1 kept on calling and texting me throughout the play. I told my boyfriend she’s jealous and he laughed. We walked out onto the plaza yet again and decide to walk to a subway station that was just a 15-minute walk away. We board the train, I read his court papers in detail. I felt as though I was there as it happened. Like I was transported in time and I could SEE it happening in my head. It was on August 29th, 2007. The Guvernment had an all-ages event “BLACKOUT” (alcohol-free, but not drug-free in other words, it was a rave). It was a rainy night- 9PM as one of the testimonies said… the rest of the details are for me to know.

When he called me later in the night, he told me how he had such a great time and how it was so much fun and no one else makes him laugh the way that I do. I’m glad I lessened his pain even if it was for just a day. He’s going through such a difficult time right now that no 18-year-old should ever endure. That event changed his life. Well, it would’ve changed anybody’s life but moreso his. I imagine that he must’ve been such a troubled teen. I really do believe that he’s a good person and he deserves another chance to prove himself. I cannot promise that I’d stay with him throughout this ordeal because that would be a HUGE sacrifice on my part. But I will try to be with him as long as I can endure because I really do LOVE him as a friend and as a person. One weakness I have noticed in myself is that I pity easily. I guess the reason why I have not told I love him is because he might take it the wrong way. When I said goodnight, he replied “Goodnight baby, love you”. I wonder if he means it the serious way… I hope everything works out for him.

I’m emotional, Yes it’s true; `coz I’ve been looking for a pretty girl just like you

What’s love… I don’t know, you tell me. Is it your personality… is it really? Is perfection possible… can one person be “perfect” for someone else? I want to tell and ask my boyfriend so many things, but I just can’t find the opportune moment to do so. But it shouldn’t be this way. He should be my best friend: the one I can tell everything and anything to without seeking approval or without fear of being dismissed.

“Your smoking bothers me… I thought I could handle it before but I really don’t think I can. Especially when the wind blows it on my face”
“The reason why I haven’t introduced you to my parents is because I’m not proud of you.”
“I dropped out of my summer course. Part of it is because of you.”
“I’m not ready to have sex with you- and I think you are. So if you can’t wait for me, just tell me now. Please.”
“I’m going on a three-day long weekend vacation to New York. And then I’m going on a two-week vacation to Europe. What are we going to do?”
“I’m having a really hard time… we’ve been chilling for the past four days and I can’t help but wonder- how the hell am I going to handle it when you go to Waterloo?! The last thing I want to be is one of those clingy bitches.”

I loved everything he says to me:
“You’re one of the very few people who can actually crack me up.”
“You’re perfect. I love your personality. I love you”

My boyfriend and I had our usual 3-hour conversation today… he’s not a virgin. No surprise there. It kind of hurts a bit inside to know that he couldn’t wait for me. I’ve thought about it- and I used to think it didn’t matter, but it really does. I never thought of myself as the type that would get all emotional about it… yet here I am, crying over a lost cause (yet again). I always put myself into these situations where I just hope for the best and yet am expecting the worst (and deep inside, I know the “worst” is going to befall me). I want to be there for him. All my friends are telling me to let go. I’m too nice to be in this situation right now. I’m a nice girl who got herself into a messy web of… I-don’t-even-know-what. He has nothing to offer me at all. And my relationship with him is by far the most selfless thing I have ever done in my life.

“What if I told you I’m not planning on having sex with you any time soon. Would you wait for me?”

You know what else… I really wish you’d tell me things. You know? Like how you would tell Paul things… or your other friends. You just sort of wait for me to ask you things. I wish you’d take the initiative to tell me if something’s on your mind. Your court situation isn’t a joke. You must be feeling things right now. You had a four hour conversation on the phone with your girlfriend yesterday and you couldn’t even bring it up to her at all?”

“Ask me something that’ll make me say “YUP”"
“Do you love me?”
NNNNNNNNNNOPE Haha… kidding
“Do you miss me?”
“YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYUP!”

“Ok, Bye.”
“Wait… don’t just say bye. Wait. I want to tell you I love you first”
“Okay”
“Bye, babe. I love you”

And no one knows… the things we’ve been through can never measure up to half of what I put you through

Last year at my summer job, there was this boy. I noticed he seldom ever talked to me and wanted to avoid me at all costs. He’d talk to everyone except for me and I hated it. So I began talking to him, testing him, flirting. We went out on ONE date before he went off to school. After that, we’d just talk online every so often or he’d text me sometimes to ask what’s up. Sometimes when he goes home for the weekend, he’d ask me out- but I seldom ever agreed. I don’t think I really “liked” him at first. I think I just liked knowing that he liked me. I didn’t pursue or try too hard because I knew it will fall into place sooner or later.

This summer, it did. We started hanging out a bit more… we’d watch movies, go to museums, walk around downtown, hang out during our breaks (we still worked near each other). And pretty soon, I began developing honest, feelings for him. Admittedly, I’d usually make my bail out at this point in the relationship where the feelings become mutual; the game of pursuit ends and you begin a new one. But for some reason, I didn’t this time. Oh how I wish I could tell my parents about this new guy in my life- but I don’t quite know how to break it to them. I really wish they could meet him and tell me what they think. I’m tired of going through it on my own without any feedback from anyone worth listening to.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s unhealthy because I sense that his feelings for me are much deeper than mine for him. I’m afraid that the day will come when our feelings will even out or that mine would surpass his. Then where would I be? The last thing I want to be is vulnerable- or dependent on somebody else. I’ve always been the type that wants to go through everything on my own. I’m just really afraid… before, I could go on a day without talking to him. I could go through nine days, actually without contacting him at all. But now, he’s like a constant plague in my mind that never leaves. I’m really afraid. I’m afraid I’m going to turn into those idiots that I hate so much.

Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own

My parents don’t trust me. I admit, it is entirely my fault. For a long time, I kept telling myself that I’m a good girl- I don’t do bad things, I don’t get with bad company, I’m the epitome of a perfect daughter. But lately, I’ve had these… surges of rebellion that I can’t seem to control. I don’t do anything bad in particular. I mean, I don’t go having sex with random guys or do drugs or smoke cigarettes- but I do small things like accept condoms from the Safe Sex booth at school and put it in my underwear drawer, leave a pack of cigarettes that I don’t smoke in my bag, hang out with people I don’t really like, flirt with many boys that I don’t even like. Just things like that that sort of give the illusion of rebellion but not quite. And when my parents found out about the aforementioned, of course they responded with much anger. How could I… their seemingly perfect daughter be capable of such things? Granted, they think I actually have sex and smoke.

It’s partly my fault. From high school, I’ve always told little white lies so that things would be easier. I always wanted to avoid being lectured about things. For example, if me and my best friend were planning on driving to the mall, I would lie and say I’m just going to her house so I wouldn’t get lectured about the danger of young drivers. If I’m going to a party with boys- I wouldn’t admit it because my parents might think I’m doing something with them (I can admittedly say that I NEVER had a boyfriend all throughout high school. It actually came to a point where my friends would BEG for me to get a boyfriend or try to hook me up with certain guys. I avoided lesbian jokes at all costs). If I plan on hanging out with so-and-so, I’d just say I’m going to do something somewhere else so that I don’t have to explain who so-and-so is. My parents seemed touchy when it comes to new people in my life. They sort of get used to me saying certain names so I play it safe and recycle those names over and over again. Just small things like that… nothing major. The reason why I did it? It was just so much easier for me to ask for permission that way. I know that it’s wrong and I shouldn’t have done it like that. I regret that now because it has given me the image of being a chronic liar. Which to an extent, I am.

Another reason why my mom currently hates me, the way that I talk to her. She tells me I have no respect. I must admit, this is true. Sometimes the tone of my voice or the words that I use can be somewhat hurtful or demeaning. I suppose the reason why this is so is because I don’t really communicate with my parents a lot. I’m not used to talking to them, so the way that I talk to other people in my life (namely, my friends) just come out. I wish I could… I wish I could tell them things about my life more than just “Dad, drive me to work” or “Mom, can I borrow $2.75 for the bus?”. But I always feel sort of awkward and I don’t know why. Even small things like asking them if I could go to the mall makes me feel awkward. I feel like I’m bothering them. My mom complains about how I always leave things to the last minute. When I go out, I wait until the very last minute before to ask them. The reason why isn’t because I’m irresponsible or anything like that. It’s just that I get so nervous asking them… I’m afraid they would say “No” so I practice over and over again the best way to ask for permission. And in this process, small little tinges of lies get mixed into my words because of my desire for approval.

I hate that my parents now have this bad image of me. I am now seen as their demonic daughter who always need everything to go her way. I am somewhat an overindulged brat. I need to change this… so from now on, I vow to tell the truth about everything I do and the things that happen in my life. And what a better place to start, but with my new (and first) boyfriend.