I’m going to give all my secrets away

Every time my boyfriend and I go out together, I feel so happy. I love talking to him on the phone, or even the smallest things like “Baby, what are you doing” or having him kiss my forehead when we watch movies together and he lends his shoulder for me to lean on. But I cannot escape the fact that when he’s gone- I fall apart. He returns to our city once a week and I am alright. But why is it that when he heads back to school- the waterworks erupt from within me? Why is it that 80% of the time when we hang up the phone, I feel so empty? I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. I am investing so much time, so much of my energy, so much of my thoughts, on this one guy that I never imagined I would love. From the moment I saw him, I wanted him- but once I attained him, I denied loving him at all. I’m tired of crying… my tears are running dry. 

Perhaps they’re right… long distance relationships really don’t work. I lost it. I gave in. I fell in love with him- I admit and it’s painful as ever. I want to break it off to end my suffering. To wash away all my lies. But would that make me even more miserable? I haven’t even gone a DAY without talking to him for the past 4 and a half months. What would happen to me if he was gone altogether- not just gone from my sight?

They’re playin’ my song and the butterflies fly away

I had a weird dream last night… and for once, I actually remembered it way past that 5-minute restriction I usually have when it comes to dreams. It involved my ex-prospective, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend, of course. Is it true that dreams really show your inner-desires? What do I make of this dream…

The truth is, I’m really unhappy with my boyfriend and I have this huge pang-ing regret over “what could’ve been” if I wasn’t such a bitch and took the plunge about two years ago. Now it’s too late- and all I can do is wait. Wait for him or wait for another. I know I should love the one I’m with. I should appreciate what I have rather than having itchy eyes and looking elsewhere. Yet, I find it so difficult to do especially when I lay down the facts and realize that my boyfriend and I are not compatible at all. It’s harsh for me to say– but I just liked the chase. That was it. Now that I have what I initially wanted, I don’t want it anymore. It turned out to be one of my regular schemes after all… 

I don’t want to hurt him by staying with him even when I don’t really want to be with him. I might love him… I care about him a lot and I want the best for him- but I don’t think I love him as-in romantically head-over-heels, jump-the-bridge-for-you, heart-pounding type of love. And that’s the one that I want.

Ooh whatchu say mm… that you only meant well

REMAINING MONEY OWING TO MY PARENTS: 21,000. 

I’m having a really frustrating time. Not only is school being an asshole– but I’m having a rough, rough time with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for only three months… and it doesn’t seem like a long time. No, not at all. I love so many things about him… I love how he makes me feel safe, loved, cared for. And although it makes me sound line a love-struck school girl (something I once vowed never to be), it’s the truth. The way his eyes open up with joy when he sees me, the things he deals with, everything. I can honestly say that I love him. I never thought this would happen… I thought it would be a summer fling… but one thing I’ve learned is to never play with emotions. Especially if it’s your own. You think you have control over something,

But errrrrneyhoooo, it’s been 3 months and I knew this day would come: he’s pressuring me to have sex.

ON ANOTHER NOTE,

I fucking hate it when people take shitttt without asking. WHAT TEH FUCKKKKKKKKK is happening?? My camera is fucking missing from my room and I did not even take it anywhere. It’s really frustrating because this type of mind-numbing bullshit happens to me CONSTANTLY. Like where the fuck can it be?? SHIT don’t just get up and walk away… I didn’t even put it anywhere or take it out of my fucking room. So where could it have gone?!? FUCK THIS. FUCKING BULLSHIT. IT BETTER WALK BACK RIGHT ONTO MY DESK OR I AM GOING TO BE PISSSSSSSSSEDDDD ENDLESSLY. FUCKING FUCK.

Last night, I had a dream about you- in this dream, I’m dancing right beside you

I love my boyfriend- don’t get me wrong. But some of the things he does is pissing me off lately. I’m sick of pretending to be alright with it– putting on a joyful voice, smiling, saying there’s nothing wrong when there is. He’s always out late getting drunk out of his wits. It’s alright to do it once in a while, but he does it EVERY friggen night and then complains about not having money. Well if you quit buying booze and smoking up a tree, then maybe you’d have money!! Using money you don’t even have to buy alcohol is ridiculous. What’s even worse? He has the NERVE to lecture me about missing classes and the importance of school. Who does he think he is?! If he was a Deans Lister or in a reputable known-to-be-challenging program, I would understand. But he’s not. He has no right to lecture me about something I already know.

He claims that he misses me but he doesn’t. Not to the extent that I miss him, anyway. We hardly ever talk and when we do, it’s always something useless and without substance. I’m not saying we must talk about current events and politics every conversation– but being banned from clubs, tripping over fences, and drunken late night outings get boring after a while. Even more boring than politics (and God knows I HATE politics). 

I’m sick of treating him like shit. I’m tired of getting mad and not having him know about it and most of all, I hate the person I am becoming because of this hidden bitterness that I have towards him. I’m becoming an undercover bitch. 

I wish I could break up with him… so we can both grow up. Change. Maybe improve ourselves so that we would be more compatible with one another. But I can’t. The reason why is because I don’t want to see him with anyone else. I don’t want to be with him- but I don’t want him to be with another girl either. It’s a selfish desire, I know. I don’t know where this stems from… but this is how it feels. And right now, I am willing to trade all this pain– all this latent anger for my boyfriend in exchange for the pain I would feel if he was to be with someone else. I need to find a way to fix this…

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone

I went to my boyfriend’s house today one last time before we both submerge ourselves into university. In the beginning, his mom greeted me nicely when I came in but when I was leaving she was kind of rude with her back turned towards me. His dad was friendly though… I suppose. But I definitely think that’ll be the last time we do an in-house make-out because I don’t want his parents thinking badly of me. Especially since we don’t even fuck. Come on! All we do is hard-core petting for… 7 hours.

It all began with a cute little movie… Definitely, Maybe it was. Coincidentally, the movie dealt with topics of sex so we were simply on his couch, kissing and he was grazing my legs when he offered to take it to the bed. So we did and we were once again, simply kissing with a lot of tongue and I was leg-locking him, he was touching my boobs. Nothing really new at first. We always make out like that with all our clothes on and touching just the outside… maybe inside onto the belly or perhaps the ass crack at most. But today, it finally grew from him touching the outside of my breasts to inside, taking off my bra (or attempting to, anyway. it was such a fail on his part) and then sucking/kissing them. He took off his shirt which he usually doesn’t and we were both slightly damp with sweat. 

So we did that and we were just feeling each others’ bodies and changing positions like crazy. Him on top, me on top, missionary, sitting down, on our sides, my legs wrapped around his waist, etc… our pants were completely on, however. He began running his hands on my crotch/vag which is slightly different from his usual ass grab/spank. I felt myself getting wet but whatever- his fault for going there! He petted me well, my friend. So I read it as a go signal and first, innocently checked if he was getting a hard-on.

It took me a while to find his penis in his extra-thick sweatpants. It was erect, as expected and it was a good size also. So we were petting (with clothes) for a while after a few hits on the eye, and me about to ask “where is it?” when I feel my way into his genitals. Our positions were already extremely sexual. My vag was right on top of his penis, I gave him an hour-long hand job and when I moved my hand away, he’d grab it and put it where his penis is which I loved. He was heavy petting me too and asked me “Do you like that, baby?” then I replied, “Ehh- it’s alright. I’m quite difficult to please”. Then he said it’s hard to go with clothes on and urged me to take my shirt off and to go into my panties. 

He finally told me “Don’t afraid to go in there, baby”. Then I said “Are you sure you can handle it?” He said Yes and I asked him to lead the way. He grabbed my hand into his penis and I gave him a hand job- we were both thrusting and he was so into it. He then said “Should I bring the beast back in? You’re not doing the job” where I was very offended. I suppose he wanted me to blow him– so I said fine- bring the damn beast in. He was sweet about it though and started laughing it off as a joke. But I knew he was serious. 

Three quarters in, he was begging for me to take off my shirt and to go into my underwear so he can give me a proper fingering. I declined and said the next time, it’ll happen because “Good things come to those who wait”. After our extreme make-out session, we just laid there and stared at each other. We talked about our relationship with him being so far away and not visiting for another two weeks… with both of us being busy with school… and he asked me “We’ll make it work, right baby?” and we just talked for a bit… kissed intensely… he then sighed and said “I love my girlfriend. I love you baby” then I replied I love you too. Right after that, I thought “Oh shit, what have I done?!”.

I need a guarantee…

My boyfriend told me something weird today. He was at a restaurant chilling with a bunch of people when suddenly, his ex-girlfriend’s friend approached him and began talking to him. Shortly afterwards, his ex-girlfriend began talking to him too. “Touch me”, she said. He looks two tables over and there I am, smiling at him. He tells his ex-girlfriend “Listen, see that girl over there? She’s my girlfriend now”. Then he is waken up by a phone call… from his ex-girlfriend. She tells him that she’s going to Costa Rica this summer. 

Then he tells me “Hey, I’m gonna see you today after work”. He’s DYING to see me tonight and I can’t avoid it any longer. So I am going to tell my parents to meet him. I hope they don’t do anything that would embarrass me or find out something about him/I that would anger them.

Give me reason- but don’t give me choice

I am seriously going through a weird time… Yesterday I had my last date with my boyfriend before my two-week hiatus. I met up with him at a major intersection and we then proceeded to bus to his place. I said hello to his siblings and then we went downstairs. His sister, of course- followed me down like she always does and we played around for a while with his sister’s play-camera. His brother donned his Batman costume. I ordered for my boyfriend to put on a movie- for old times’ sake. We sat beside each other and start kissing. His tongue went into my mouth and we french kissed for a short while but I pulled away since his siblings are there… watching. My boyfriend began to get slightly irritated by his “flaunting” siblings and kicked them out. We started kissing on his couch once again and he asked me if I wanted to take it to the bed. I said No and that he should help me up so he carried me to his bed. 

He jumped on top of me and we started making out. My hands on his face, his hands all over my body. He touched my breasts (outside) and put his legs between mine. I started putting his legs on lock and humping it just a tad. He’s moaning and I’m silent. We keep french kissing and I love it. He tells me he wants me on top, so I wrap my legs around his body and we continue kissing with me on top this time. His hands run all across my body and on my ass. He puts his hands in my shorts across my underwear and gives my ass a light spank. I wrap my legs tighter around him. I worry that he would feel me getting wet. All throughout our 2-hour make-out session, I wonder if he’s getting a hard-on. 

I bid his family farewell. We commute to lunch- which was lovely. I had pork in black bean sauce and it was reaaaally good. We go to the movies and make out during the previews. He tells me he loves me and I go “what?” then he repeats “I love you baby” I just kiss him- I’ve never said the words back. We keep kissing and I’m yearning for some tongue action. As we french kiss, his hands run through my legs and it turns me on (it doesn’t help that I’m wearing short shorts). 

Finally, we say our goodbyes and I can’t stop kissing him at the terminal. FUCK. My friggen fling is taking a toll on me.

Seconds, hours, so many days- you know what you want but how long can you wait?

I finally revealed to my mother that I will be changing majors. I felt a large sense of relief for having that off my chest. She, of course- did not handle it very well. I thought she was going to have a heart attack. I know, I know. I messed up bad. This was exactly what my parents told me in the beginning: don’t be changing your mind over and over again- you’d be wasting money. But what can I do? The thing I once thought I was destined for did not fall in love with me. For once, I have failed to charm something- and there’s nothing further I can do about it but accept defeat. She went on and on about how I have no direction in life and that I’m a perennial liar and such. Of course, it hurt my feelings SO much to think that my own mother believes I’m a stupid whore (which I have always believed I am not and would never be). 

If my parents think the solution to my problem is to prison me in the house, not let me go out with my friends, and chain me to my books- they’re wrong. It’s going to make matters even worse. For this year, I seriously want to just live on campus- experience the campus life, join clubs, meet new people, find out what I truly like. Yes, of course there’s going to be parties and such- but I care about my future enough so that I won’t let it affect my studies- especially my grades since I have a grade cut-off to reach this semester. I know it’s not in the budget, but I’m willing to take out a loan to do this but I can’t do that without my parents’ help because I need a co-signer to take a student line of credit. I also know that my parents do not want me to have any debt whatsoever- but I need to do this for myself- I really do. I know I’ve never said it to them, but I’m really so thankful to have such supporting parents. Some of my friends’ parents don’t help them pay for tuition. It seems as though they have this impression that I’m their “devilish daughter” with a bad attitude and no direction in life but it’s not true and it hurts to know that they think of me this way. I admit, I can be rude sometimes with the way I talk and how I act- but there are things going on that I don’t tell them and the rudeness is how it comes out when instead, I should just talk to them about it.

I really just wish my parents would help me out this one year. Support me in my wish to live on campus. I will pay for everything else: my books, my food, my rental- through my student line of credit. All I ask is for tuition to be paid. I will come home as often as I can or I’ll meet you at church every Sunday. I’ll do print outs of my mid-terms and essays and whatever else I have marked when they come in. I will call as often as requested. I know they have no trust in me whatsoever. They’ll probably think I’m up to no good- partying, doing whatever else. They’re right. There will be some partying and stuff like that- there always is. That’s part of being a teenager. But I care about my future A LOT. I have high expectations for myself. I had straight A’s in high school, I challenged myself with difficult courses in first year- and yeah, it messed up me up bad- but I’m ready to try again. 

I’m really just asking for this one last chance to prove myself to myself and to my parents that I’m not just some loser who’s going to be a prostitute when she grows up. By the end of the year, I just really want to enroll into one final major I’m going to stick with for the next 2 years, find a good group of friends I can be proud to say I’m a part of, experience campus life and be able to print out my transcript and show it to my parents without being ashamed. The reason why I couldn’t bring myself to show  my grades first year was because I was ashamed of myself. Do you know how embarrassing it is to come out of high school with straight A’s and then have to show up with my disgusting barely passing grades and microscopic cumulative GPA? 

Please, just allow me to do this one last thing without me having to hear “Ooh you’re so malandi, kung anu ano ginagawa mo”- you’re right. I do need some direction in my life. But I should also have some time to be with my friends- spend time, hang out, not stress myself out I wish they’d understand that. School IS very important but there should also be a balance with extra curriculars and free time. I’m sad that I don’t have a passion like for example, Kuya does for the arts. I thought computers was it- but it’s not. I don’t belong there. Yeah, I’d probably be able to graduate with a Computer Science degree if they wanted me to- but I’d be miserable for the next 3 years. 

I care a LOT what my parents think of me. Right now I’m their rebellious, liar, daughter. But I’ll tell you now the reason why they sometimes catch me in a web of lies… I hate being lectured about things I already know and I find it easier to just change the truth a little so they wouldn’t worry so much. In high school, I admit- I’ve told lies here and there. I would lie and say I’m going to hang out and so-and-so’s house and then go to the movies or the mall. But I never lied about anything bad. I never smoked or did drugs or let a boy touch me. You can ask all my friends, -I pushed away all the guys that have liked me and at one point, people joked around and said I was lesbian. And then now I’m still kind of doing it: that time I went to Steven’s barbeque then ended up at Demetres for desert was an accident. It was a last minute decision and I didn’t think you’d mind that I’d go. I didn’t think I would need permission from you to ask if we could go so I just went without asking. When mom called, I panicked and said we were at his house when really we were at the restaurant. The other time I took the car to visit Leens, Clar, and Kam- that time I admit I messed up really badly. I should’ve called and told you what time dinner would end, what time the movie would end, and I should’ve answered my phone. It was my first time driving by myself so I guess I just got excited with my new freedom.

I’ve hung out with a lot of different crowds from high school until now. I hung out with nerds in first sem, serious/quiet/shy people in second sem, smokers and loud mouth people in summer school- I’ve befriended them all and yet at the end of it- my only one true friend is still Leens. That’s it. I’m very particular with what I want in my life but in the process of getting this, I want to try a lot of things. That’s what I’ve noticed about myself and I do it a lot. I test out all these different friends, and choose just one small group. I’d try all the flavours at the shop and just choose one right one for me. I tried Computer Science for a reason and hopefully that would lead me to something right.

If we could party night, and sleep all day- and throw all my problems away, my life would be EASY

This is ridiculous. It’s undeniable that my parents have done a lot of things for me, but sometimes they can be such assholes. I’ve honestly had enough of it and tomorrow, I am pining on getting into that Management course I have been eyeing and finally reveal to them the truth: I am changing majors. I am determined to finish these courses and end with 8.5 creds by the end of the term. Yes, it is still 1.5 away from where I should be– but that’s nothing. I am also aiming for a 4.0 sessional GPA. Yes. Very high expectations yet again! This time, I’m determined I will let nobody bring me down. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, nobody. I need this more than ever. 

Today, my dad bitched at me again for being out late and them not knowing where I am. I bitched back (finally) “EVERY time I try to do something nice for you, like that picking me up from work late- you get mad at me. So what if I went somewhere today? Even if I did, it’s not like I’m doing something bad. All I ever do is work; I work SO hard and when I hang out once in a while, you yell at me.”  That shut him up. If he says anything ever again, I am not afraid to bitch again because it’s true. I AM nice to him- I always think about ways for him to not be bothered. He’s the one that insists on always picking me up from wherever even if I can get a ride from a friend. His protectiveness is suffocating me and making me WANT to do bad things I wouldn’t even do in the first place. Pissing me off. 

So that is the reason why I will be asking my mom to co-sign a student line of credit with me so I can rent a place for the Winter session this school year. So sick and tired of my parents whining. Yeah, alright. FINE. I’m a messed up kid and I lie a good number of times. But who can blame me? If I told the truth, it would just drive me even more into insanity. My parents have a problem- and it’s that they don’t believe I deserve any leisure time for myself. All they ever want me to do is school, work, school, work. I need some fun in my life, too. To meet people, to build healthy relationships, to try out different groups and be part of activities. I don’t think they understand that- and THAT is the reason why I lie. I build my world around school or work or something productive and try to hide the “extracurriculars” because I know they would not approve. Even things as little as going to the movies, the mall, anything like that. I try to schedule it with something school/work -related so that I would be allowed to go and it’ll just seem like a sporadic add-on. So sick and tired of having to do this! Why can’t I just admit I’m going out and have them accept it?? What’s the big freakin’ deal? GOD. I admit I fucked up first year, but I also admit that part of that is because of depression caused by the above.

Today I met up with my boyfriend at Country Style where I bought him an apple fritter and a smoothie. Then we went to the convenience store to buy him cigarettes. I laughed because I saw the $4.99 Dominos pizza employee who was waving his poster at me a couple of weeks ago. After, it looked like it was going to rain- so we decided we’d go look for a flip movie then go back to his place. We went to the store- turns out, they didn’t have movies. So we went to the mall nearby. It was a pretty dilapidated mall- with no good stores whatsoever. The only part that really struck me was when my boyfriend said he witnessed an old man die in front of the drug-mart at that mall and the very same night, he got arrested. Aug 22, it was- I believe. Almost the 2-year anniversary of it. 

After that, we went back to his place in the rain. I briefly said hello to his mother and siblings, then we went to his room. As usual, his sister followed me in and we began watching a movie. His sister LOVES me since the first day I came to visit. She’d refer to me as her sister and she’d always give me hugs/kisses. So cute. The movie was pretty boring- we just sat there and held hands. The usual. After that, he offered to watch the Unborn on his laptop (I knew he just wanted to cuddle on his bed since it’s more “comfortable” there). It took him SO long to set up the damn thing- I got so impatient. But anyway, he finally set it up and we began our make-out session. This one was pretty heated. There was a point where we were french kissing for about 30 minutes straight with no break. He’d run his hands all over my body and inside my pants (ass)- he tried to get into my breasts as well but I stopped him because I was not wearing the right bra. He’d squeeze the outside and caress it. I couldn’t really feel it that well. I had his leg on lock and we did a couple of provocative positions. I went under his shirt and touched his body all over. He offered to take his shirt off but I said No. Then I went under his pants too. On one occasion I felt his erection. One time, I was on top of him and his brother barged into the room so I had to jump off super-fast. I’m lurking on dangerous waters… I really do not want to put myself in this position- but I like it. I like making out with him. The only thing is, I don’t want to do it. Anything BUT. 

I really like my boyfriend, and he’s told me he loves me in many, many, occasions. He’s never failed to tell me how lucky he is to be with me and how everybody is jealous of what we have. I love the way he looks at me then says “My girlfriend is so pretty”. Or how he tells me when we’re together, he doesn’t think about any of his problems (and trust me, he has a LOT of problems- far greater than what I have right now; far, far greater). Today he even paid for the entire day (surprise surprise!) so I’m calling it even. Next time, I will pay and not whine about it so much.

Got my singing like Nananana everyday like my iPod’s stuck on replay

I woke up extra early today to accompany my boyfriend and his dad as they go to their court session. It was slightly awkward being affectionate and everything and it was even worse having to wait for them, buying food, sitting there with my nose all clogged up. The court date was pretty interesting, though- I must admit. My boyfriend is the defendant arguing the right to disclose his information to the plaintiff (ie. address, parents’ names) to be used against him in civil liability. That was the essence of the argument, really. They briefly touched upon his responsibility in the crime despite his status of “acquittal”– how that does not pose as a shield for him to be immune to liability for what had happened. The plaintiff argues that the victim (even though he is deceased) can now be represented by his family and justice must be brought. They argue that there is a stigma to being involved in this type of thing and that since my boyfriend has been acquitted, he may not receive the same as someone who was found guilty, for example. Nevertheless, he should still have some responsibility over the situation- which is the big dilemma here. 

Sometimes I wonder to myself why I got myself into this position. Out of all the guys that have sought after me, I choose a CRIMINAL. I suppose the primary reason is that I see something in him… something good. But I am also getting a vibe that I’ll just end up disappointed in the end. The reason why I’m with him is that I know he likes me a lot… a lot of my qualities (not just physically) are appealing to him and I noticed it from our first dates. I want him to think this: “I’m so lucky I have this girl, I want to keep her- and in order to do so, I must change.” The first part has already been done. He has already denoted how lucky he is to have such a pure, nice, girlfriend. He has also said on several occasions that he “loves” me. But I have never been able to return the gratuity and I don’t think I will be able to any time soon (no offence, but that would just put me in the worst situation imaginable because that would mean I’ve lost CONTROL). 

More stuff about him? He’s poor, he has no car to pick me up in, he’s not in a professional program like Pre-Med or Engineering like I’ve always aspired my boyfriend to be, he’s not painfully good looking, he originates from a broken family, and his friends are all like him. Messed up. All I’m looking for his for him to better his life and witness something great in him- influenced by me.