If we could party night, and sleep all day- and throw all my problems away, my life would be EASY

This is ridiculous. It’s undeniable that my parents have done a lot of things for me, but sometimes they can be such assholes. I’ve honestly had enough of it and tomorrow, I am pining on getting into that Management course I have been eyeing and finally reveal to them the truth: I am changing majors. I am determined to finish these courses and end with 8.5 creds by the end of the term. Yes, it is still 1.5 away from where I should be– but that’s nothing. I am also aiming for a 4.0 sessional GPA. Yes. Very high expectations yet again! This time, I’m determined I will let nobody bring me down. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, nobody. I need this more than ever. 

Today, my dad bitched at me again for being out late and them not knowing where I am. I bitched back (finally) “EVERY time I try to do something nice for you, like that picking me up from work late- you get mad at me. So what if I went somewhere today? Even if I did, it’s not like I’m doing something bad. All I ever do is work; I work SO hard and when I hang out once in a while, you yell at me.”  That shut him up. If he says anything ever again, I am not afraid to bitch again because it’s true. I AM nice to him- I always think about ways for him to not be bothered. He’s the one that insists on always picking me up from wherever even if I can get a ride from a friend. His protectiveness is suffocating me and making me WANT to do bad things I wouldn’t even do in the first place. Pissing me off. 

So that is the reason why I will be asking my mom to co-sign a student line of credit with me so I can rent a place for the Winter session this school year. So sick and tired of my parents whining. Yeah, alright. FINE. I’m a messed up kid and I lie a good number of times. But who can blame me? If I told the truth, it would just drive me even more into insanity. My parents have a problem- and it’s that they don’t believe I deserve any leisure time for myself. All they ever want me to do is school, work, school, work. I need some fun in my life, too. To meet people, to build healthy relationships, to try out different groups and be part of activities. I don’t think they understand that- and THAT is the reason why I lie. I build my world around school or work or something productive and try to hide the “extracurriculars” because I know they would not approve. Even things as little as going to the movies, the mall, anything like that. I try to schedule it with something school/work -related so that I would be allowed to go and it’ll just seem like a sporadic add-on. So sick and tired of having to do this! Why can’t I just admit I’m going out and have them accept it?? What’s the big freakin’ deal? GOD. I admit I fucked up first year, but I also admit that part of that is because of depression caused by the above.

Today I met up with my boyfriend at Country Style where I bought him an apple fritter and a smoothie. Then we went to the convenience store to buy him cigarettes. I laughed because I saw the $4.99 Dominos pizza employee who was waving his poster at me a couple of weeks ago. After, it looked like it was going to rain- so we decided we’d go look for a flip movie then go back to his place. We went to the store- turns out, they didn’t have movies. So we went to the mall nearby. It was a pretty dilapidated mall- with no good stores whatsoever. The only part that really struck me was when my boyfriend said he witnessed an old man die in front of the drug-mart at that mall and the very same night, he got arrested. Aug 22, it was- I believe. Almost the 2-year anniversary of it. 

After that, we went back to his place in the rain. I briefly said hello to his mother and siblings, then we went to his room. As usual, his sister followed me in and we began watching a movie. His sister LOVES me since the first day I came to visit. She’d refer to me as her sister and she’d always give me hugs/kisses. So cute. The movie was pretty boring- we just sat there and held hands. The usual. After that, he offered to watch the Unborn on his laptop (I knew he just wanted to cuddle on his bed since it’s more “comfortable” there). It took him SO long to set up the damn thing- I got so impatient. But anyway, he finally set it up and we began our make-out session. This one was pretty heated. There was a point where we were french kissing for about 30 minutes straight with no break. He’d run his hands all over my body and inside my pants (ass)- he tried to get into my breasts as well but I stopped him because I was not wearing the right bra. He’d squeeze the outside and caress it. I couldn’t really feel it that well. I had his leg on lock and we did a couple of provocative positions. I went under his shirt and touched his body all over. He offered to take his shirt off but I said No. Then I went under his pants too. On one occasion I felt his erection. One time, I was on top of him and his brother barged into the room so I had to jump off super-fast. I’m lurking on dangerous waters… I really do not want to put myself in this position- but I like it. I like making out with him. The only thing is, I don’t want to do it. Anything BUT. 

I really like my boyfriend, and he’s told me he loves me in many, many, occasions. He’s never failed to tell me how lucky he is to be with me and how everybody is jealous of what we have. I love the way he looks at me then says “My girlfriend is so pretty”. Or how he tells me when we’re together, he doesn’t think about any of his problems (and trust me, he has a LOT of problems- far greater than what I have right now; far, far greater). Today he even paid for the entire day (surprise surprise!) so I’m calling it even. Next time, I will pay and not whine about it so much.

Got my singing like Nananana everyday like my iPod’s stuck on replay

I woke up extra early today to accompany my boyfriend and his dad as they go to their court session. It was slightly awkward being affectionate and everything and it was even worse having to wait for them, buying food, sitting there with my nose all clogged up. The court date was pretty interesting, though- I must admit. My boyfriend is the defendant arguing the right to disclose his information to the plaintiff (ie. address, parents’ names) to be used against him in civil liability. That was the essence of the argument, really. They briefly touched upon his responsibility in the crime despite his status of “acquittal”– how that does not pose as a shield for him to be immune to liability for what had happened. The plaintiff argues that the victim (even though he is deceased) can now be represented by his family and justice must be brought. They argue that there is a stigma to being involved in this type of thing and that since my boyfriend has been acquitted, he may not receive the same as someone who was found guilty, for example. Nevertheless, he should still have some responsibility over the situation- which is the big dilemma here. 

Sometimes I wonder to myself why I got myself into this position. Out of all the guys that have sought after me, I choose a CRIMINAL. I suppose the primary reason is that I see something in him… something good. But I am also getting a vibe that I’ll just end up disappointed in the end. The reason why I’m with him is that I know he likes me a lot… a lot of my qualities (not just physically) are appealing to him and I noticed it from our first dates. I want him to think this: “I’m so lucky I have this girl, I want to keep her- and in order to do so, I must change.” The first part has already been done. He has already denoted how lucky he is to have such a pure, nice, girlfriend. He has also said on several occasions that he “loves” me. But I have never been able to return the gratuity and I don’t think I will be able to any time soon (no offence, but that would just put me in the worst situation imaginable because that would mean I’ve lost CONTROL). 

More stuff about him? He’s poor, he has no car to pick me up in, he’s not in a professional program like Pre-Med or Engineering like I’ve always aspired my boyfriend to be, he’s not painfully good looking, he originates from a broken family, and his friends are all like him. Messed up. All I’m looking for his for him to better his life and witness something great in him- influenced by me.

`Cause if you’re not really here, then stars don’t even matter

Things are even worse than I thought they were. I don’t think I’m going to last much longer unless some major changes happen. He knows he’s in a bad situation right now and instead of seeking help or trying to better himself, he doesn’t take the initiative to do so- which is slightly a turn-off. The smoking thing really worries me… same with the constant need to be out late at night… I don’t mind the weed smoking as much. There are things about him I know I can NEVER change and it worries me- especially when I think of the future with him and I. For example, the way he handles problems in his life or his emotions in general. He’s a really nice guy and when things go wrong, he engages in self-destructive behaviour. I sometimes wish he could just be mad like regular people… yelling, silent treatment, the like. Instead, he keeps it to himself which is slightly bothersome. 

 

I’m really confused and don’t know if I’m in this relationship for the right reasons. Right from the get-go, I’ve had this feeling and even though I should’ve taken it as a red flag (red for disaster) I just ignored myself and kept on pursuing. And look at me now… one month and counting and I already feel myself getting attached to this hoodlum. I can’t believe myself. Why do I always choose wrong… wrong course… wrong school… wrong boyfriend… WRONG. 

 

I constantly ask myself… why are you still in this? Why aren’t you making a run for it? He has no brains, no money, no security, no self-esteem, he’s extremely materialistic and at times, self-destructive. But also… I’ve never had anybody love me the way that he does. I have a scratch on my arm, he’d break whatever gave me the scratch. Someone wrongs me, he’d punch the living crap out of them. I need attention, he gives it to me. He’s always there no matter what. I can see that he’s physically attracted to me but there’s something else that stems from within. It’s more than just that because he handles me even at my worst of times. 

She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before; nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe

I got all soft with him today… he sent me a cute text message and called me once but after I sent him texts, he didn’t reply. I know, it’s childish. I should stop feeling this way- but I just miss him… that’s all. I called him around midnight or so and we talked. It turns out he was downtown with his best friend and they went to see a soccer game. To his knowledge, I was downtown as well and I was kind of thrown off that he didn’t call to meet up and what-not. But whatever, that’s understandable. Finally, he revealed to me that he had a talk with his parents and that they want him to move out. Well, it was his dad mainly- not so much his mom. He told him that they can no longer continue supporting him with his education and that he must go live on his own soon. I asked him if they will still help with his court situation and he said “I think so… hopefully”. Which does not sound very convincing. I feel so bad… he’s in such a bad situation right now. He only has 12k in loans which isn’t really good considering he has to pay it back off and it’s not “FREE MONEY” like what I’m getting from my parents. It’s times like these that I really feel so thankful to have my parents helping me out. Even though they limit my freedom … a lot- at least I don’t worry about bills or anything, really. 

My boyfriend is at a really bad situation right now and as much as I want to leave, I can’t get myself to do it. He needs me now more than ever and I want to be there for him… he told me when we first began dating that no one else can make him happy the way that I do. When he’s with me, his troubles just go away. I feel the sense of responsibility to be there for him; especially now. I’m scared. I’m scared I am falling in love with him because on paper, he is wrong. All wrong. Sort of like my Calculus exam. Somebody help me.

Because I never wanna kiss you again, never wanna walk through the park holding your hand

As my boyfriend and I go through problems, I like him more and more. The more we get pulled apart, the more I get attracted to him- it’s weird. Despite of everything… his court issues, his sickness and addictions- I still want to be there for him and even though I find it really difficult, especially since he’s not your typical boyfriend. He doesn’t pay for our dates, nor does he pick me up for a ride in his car. But the way he talks to me… the way he cares for me and the way he looks at me makes up for it. I can tell he really likes me … a lot and even though I am not exactly up to his level of “like”, I know that it is possible to get there and nobody else has made me feel this way before. The need to actually stay through with something. I gave no effort for the past ‘dealings’ I have had with guys. I wait patiently for them to talk to me, I never took the initiative to see them, I wanted to do everything that would displease them. 

I don’t want to break up with him… but sometimes, I feel that it’s better if we do- even for just a while. There are things happening to us that are difficult for me to deal with and to him, it’s not. I hate how I’m always the one that has to make the effort to see him. He gives no regard for my curfew, for what my parents (will) think of him, for things I have to do/places I have to be without him, my financial situation. His mind-set is at times selfish and childish. He wants to be with me. And that’s it. It’s like  what you see in the movies… The Illusionist, The Notebook, etc. They want to be together; and in the movies, that was enough. But in real life, it’s not. Being together with a person you care for and want to be with is not enough.

I keep saying to myself over and over again that I chose wrong. I deserve so much better… but how can I leave the person I have committed myself to at a time when he needs me the most?

Wakin’ up next to a beautiful girl, step outside to say ‘Hello’ to my beautiful world

Alright, alright. So I used to be a really generous person- but now I’m kind of getting pissed off slightly. I feel as though I’m the one always making the effort to see him. I drive to his house, drive him wherever his heart desires, mission to him, pay for food. I know, I know. I sound really materialistic and I never used to be this way. Usually I’m GLAD to offer to pay. I know my boyfriend has a money situation going on- but is it really fair to make me pay all the time?
It all adds up and it’s not pretty AT ALL. Well… he DOES pay for my movie tickets all the time and one time when we weren’t dating yet, he paid for an entire night which costed a pretty penny for the both of us. I don’t know… perhaps I’m just being superficial. I’ve never really been like this. I don’t know…
Too much thinking, I say.
I admit, the reason why I’m beginning to think these things is because of my school fees and such. But when I think about it, I have it better than most people. In fact, I don’t even qualify for OSAP loans. Nevertheless, I still constantly feel as though I’m struggling to make ends meet all the freakin’ time.

Things I need want:
1. A 3-month lease housing for school ($800/monthly) = $3000
2. Tuition for a year = $7000
3. Digital camera = $400
4. School bag = n/a
5. Wallet = n/a
6. True Religion jeans = n/a
7. Sunglasses = n/a
8. The Time Traveler’s Wife, Love the One You’re With, The Alchemist (novels)

I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me

I went out with my boyfriend again today and got into major trouble with it (again). Basically, I filled up on gas, picked him up from work, then we went to his house (albeit, empty). He ate, I sat, then we went to his room and watched a movie about a nanny. It was sweet. We were just cuddling, making out on his bed- low-level shennanigans. I would say it was the best part of the night? Then we went out to eat and that’s when my father called. I was in trouble (surprise, surprise) for being out so late. Then I revealed to my boyfriend about how a) I’m leaving next weekend to go to New York and b) I’m confused about this entire court thing and introducing him to my parents.

I reallllllllllyyyy like him. I don’t know what to do. Should I keep on lying? Should I lay low for a while and then break the news later on (but before we go to Europe)… Oh, decisions, decisions.

I didn’t tell them I was with him. I said I was out with a friend (boy)- not HIM, then we were at the boy’s place and went out to Demetre’s afterwards. I also have proof (semi) of this. But anyway, the truth is that I’m embarrassed of my boyfriend. He’s not smart, he’s not rich, he’s got bad habits, he’s everything I shouldn’t be looking for in a guy- but there’s something about him that just makes me want to STAY. For once in my life, I want to STAY with someone and not ‘make a run for it’. He asked me in my car today if I was or have ever planned to make a run for it. Then made me PROMISE that I wouldn’t or that I would tell him beforehand. I like him, I like him a LOT but is it worth it? I’ve sacrificed plenty for him… and what has he done for me?

I want you so bad, can you feel it too? You know I’m so… I’m so in love with you

My boyfriend and I celebrated our first month anniversary today. We didn’t do anything big… we didn’t go out for dinner, he didn’t buy me flowers, I didn’t even get to cuddle with him today- which is fine. It’s just the way I have always pictured it would be: simple, no-strings-attached. He went to his second court date today with his parents and $5000/show lawyer. He texted me beforehand letting me know of his disposition and also to wish us a happy 1-month “love ya”. Afterwards, he called me and we talked about it for a bit. He tells me that I always seem to go quiet when he tells me about his court situation. I admitted to him that I think about it and analyze it in mind mind- I just don’t say anything. He might not be going to school next year after all- and I’m afraid for him. I’m afraid he’s going to turn into those college drop-outs that get so used to earning money and doing a nonsense job that they no longer wish to hit the books. That is not the type of guy I would want to date. But then again, I’ve never really followed the rules, now have I?

The more I think about it, the more I fear that I am falling in love with this douchebag. That I’ve gotten tricked and I somehow- albeit desperately need a reality check. What I thought would be a simple summer fling is evolving into something I cannot even comprehend and refuse to imagine. But anyway, he told me of the trouble that he has gotten himself into and I felt the usual feelings I feel towards him: pity, endearment, wonder. I wonder how such a seemingly nice young man with so much potential ahead of him could be capable of doing such a thing and thinking such thoughts.

Yesterday night is when I finally understood. He’s from a broken family- his dad drank a lot, was into bad habits. His mother was never home and his dad would lie to him and tell him she was at work. He spent a lot of time with his dad and he was the type that would always compliment him and boost his ego in every way he could. Meanwhile, his mother was seeing someone else (his would-be stepdad) who was educated and well-off. His dad told him one day that perhaps he should follow his mother and brother abroad for a better life and although my boyfriend did not want to, he went. I suppose that’s where it began… his mother formed a new family. She had kids with her new husband, and led a new life. Although she loved her first sons, she exerted her energy more towards her “newer” children. My boyfriend told me about how his parents would never drive him anywhere, never set a curfew for him, told him there was no room in the car for him to partake in any outings with them. Basically, he was excluded and didn’t really feel a sense of belonging. He didn’t get along too well with his stepdad either. They only spoke when there was something bad to be said.

Anyway, I finally understand now what my mother was trying to tell me about choosing a mate that does not come from a broken family. It really changes someone. This legal issue with my boyfriend is not going to fade away any time soon- so I really don’t know what to do. Should I break it off now and let go of him while it’s still early and I have not fallen in love with him yet? Should I stay with him albeit, keep my distance but remain a good friend for him to lean on through this ordeal? Yes, I have put myself in a very difficult situation indeed… just the way I like it.

I feel like I just seen the sun for the first time, you make my life bright `coz you shine

Today my boyfriend woke me up at 9:00AM like he said he would. Ok, I lie- he woke me up at 9:22AM- but he did so right after he got out from the subway to walk to his court date. I began getting ready and went to meet him at the station where I talked to my other best friend, Lawrence while waiting for him. Lawrence has problems with his relationship; it made me look at mine and realize how lucky I am to have such a nice guy who offers me all that he has, cares about me so much, and thinks so highly of me. I finally see my boyfriend walking towards me carrying a batch of papers folded in half (length-wise). As we went downtown, I skimmed through his court papers- reading the accusations of “negligence” in his part for drug trafficking causing death which happened about two years ago. I read it thoroughly because I wanted to be polite and didn’t really feel like reading. I stuffed it in my bag shortly after.

We get off at the stop- asked a convenience store man for directions and rode on a streetcar towards a stinky market. After getting lost in Chinatown for 5 good minutes, we finally find the place. It was definitely not as fun as we had thought. We only went into a few stores. One of which had a dog that scared my boyfriend away. We tried looking for a wallet for myself but found none. It was a chill, indie hangout with a plethora of tourists and weed smokers. It also reeked of poverty and produce. We finally begin walking away from the market and reaching our comfort zone: the AGO. We walk further down to Queen St. West and share a plate of banana crepes with strawberry ice cream. I notice that my boyfriend is slowly becoming more and more stingy. After eating, we go to the Scotiabank Theatre to see what movies are playing. None stroke our fancy- so we walked to the CN Tower. No, we did not go up- nor did I really want to. We just sat outside the cool breeze caressing our face on the bench and listened as a live band played ‘My Heart Will Go On’. It was a good sit.

Then we began heading towards the Harbourfront Centre and we walk by the water and watch tourists board cruise boats. We find yet another bench and cuddle there for a while- just talking and looking at our reflection plastered on the boat in front of us. Finally, we decide to begin walking again- now heading Northbound. We walk, talk, hold hands, joke around. I don’t remember what we even talked about- but time flew by and we ended up back to our comfort zone. We were then deciding whether to go eat McDonald’s or go to a different restaurant. We then ended up going to two restaurants before finally deciding on a quaint little Japanese joint. We ate, talked, fooled around- the waitress saw him caressing my leg and swiftly walked away.

We got out- and walked towards the AGO once again. When we got there, the line-up was huge so I told him I would withdraw money and buy him coffee and apple fritter- which I did and then I hand him a $10 for lunch which he accepted. I am truly such a fair girlfriend. We sit on a dirty bench which hobos probably sleep on to wait for the line-up to fade. He suggests that we go for beers later- which I reject. I do not want my boyfriend drowning himself in alcohol after his court hearing. We finally get into the museum. Highlights: my impeccable fake British accent, kissing in the elevator with a random lady in the front, watching puppet porn for a good few minutes, him wanting to go to the exhibit with mirrors so he can ‘check himself out’, going to the store/boutique after, arguing whether to go to the sculptures or the African section, sitting building nothing out of wood, drawing with a little blonde girl, sitting on a chair looking out into Toronto for some good quality time. We head on over to Yonge-Dundas and witness a weird man wearing only his underwear, riding a unicycle, juggling knives. As he was asking for money, we walk to the plaza directly in front. We sit and talk yet again passing time as I knew I needed to head home soon. A random man then offers us two tickets to a show playing that day, that hour, at the Canon Theatre.

We head to the theatre and as the man scans the tickets, it does not go through. I was afraid for a second that they were counterfeit or something of the sort- but they were not. We got in, I had a good 30-minute nap on my boyfriend’s shoulders. My best friend #1 kept on calling and texting me throughout the play. I told my boyfriend she’s jealous and he laughed. We walked out onto the plaza yet again and decide to walk to a subway station that was just a 15-minute walk away. We board the train, I read his court papers in detail. I felt as though I was there as it happened. Like I was transported in time and I could SEE it happening in my head. It was on August 29th, 2007. The Guvernment had an all-ages event “BLACKOUT” (alcohol-free, but not drug-free in other words, it was a rave). It was a rainy night- 9PM as one of the testimonies said… the rest of the details are for me to know.

When he called me later in the night, he told me how he had such a great time and how it was so much fun and no one else makes him laugh the way that I do. I’m glad I lessened his pain even if it was for just a day. He’s going through such a difficult time right now that no 18-year-old should ever endure. That event changed his life. Well, it would’ve changed anybody’s life but moreso his. I imagine that he must’ve been such a troubled teen. I really do believe that he’s a good person and he deserves another chance to prove himself. I cannot promise that I’d stay with him throughout this ordeal because that would be a HUGE sacrifice on my part. But I will try to be with him as long as I can endure because I really do LOVE him as a friend and as a person. One weakness I have noticed in myself is that I pity easily. I guess the reason why I have not told I love him is because he might take it the wrong way. When I said goodnight, he replied “Goodnight baby, love you”. I wonder if he means it the serious way… I hope everything works out for him.

I’m emotional, Yes it’s true; `coz I’ve been looking for a pretty girl just like you

What’s love… I don’t know, you tell me. Is it your personality… is it really? Is perfection possible… can one person be “perfect” for someone else? I want to tell and ask my boyfriend so many things, but I just can’t find the opportune moment to do so. But it shouldn’t be this way. He should be my best friend: the one I can tell everything and anything to without seeking approval or without fear of being dismissed.

“Your smoking bothers me… I thought I could handle it before but I really don’t think I can. Especially when the wind blows it on my face”
“The reason why I haven’t introduced you to my parents is because I’m not proud of you.”
“I dropped out of my summer course. Part of it is because of you.”
“I’m not ready to have sex with you- and I think you are. So if you can’t wait for me, just tell me now. Please.”
“I’m going on a three-day long weekend vacation to New York. And then I’m going on a two-week vacation to Europe. What are we going to do?”
“I’m having a really hard time… we’ve been chilling for the past four days and I can’t help but wonder- how the hell am I going to handle it when you go to Waterloo?! The last thing I want to be is one of those clingy bitches.”

I loved everything he says to me:
“You’re one of the very few people who can actually crack me up.”
“You’re perfect. I love your personality. I love you”

My boyfriend and I had our usual 3-hour conversation today… he’s not a virgin. No surprise there. It kind of hurts a bit inside to know that he couldn’t wait for me. I’ve thought about it- and I used to think it didn’t matter, but it really does. I never thought of myself as the type that would get all emotional about it… yet here I am, crying over a lost cause (yet again). I always put myself into these situations where I just hope for the best and yet am expecting the worst (and deep inside, I know the “worst” is going to befall me). I want to be there for him. All my friends are telling me to let go. I’m too nice to be in this situation right now. I’m a nice girl who got herself into a messy web of… I-don’t-even-know-what. He has nothing to offer me at all. And my relationship with him is by far the most selfless thing I have ever done in my life.

“What if I told you I’m not planning on having sex with you any time soon. Would you wait for me?”

You know what else… I really wish you’d tell me things. You know? Like how you would tell Paul things… or your other friends. You just sort of wait for me to ask you things. I wish you’d take the initiative to tell me if something’s on your mind. Your court situation isn’t a joke. You must be feeling things right now. You had a four hour conversation on the phone with your girlfriend yesterday and you couldn’t even bring it up to her at all?”

“Ask me something that’ll make me say “YUP”"
“Do you love me?”
NNNNNNNNNNOPE Haha… kidding
“Do you miss me?”
“YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYUP!”

“Ok, Bye.”
“Wait… don’t just say bye. Wait. I want to tell you I love you first”
“Okay”
“Bye, babe. I love you”